Dismissive avoidant ex reddit relationships Both of us (him being pretty textbook dismissive and me more so Avoidant). Then at our one year anniversary he came to me and said sorry he had issues with attachments, he thanked me for being patient. That person will act like a dismissive avoidant or fearful avoidant in that specific relationship. Even though it doesn't explain every individual or every circumstance in a relationship, the dismissive avoidant attachment style does track my ex's behavior over the course of our I broke up with my avoidant ex last night, after 4 months. She has a lot going on right now and felt she didn’t have the capacity to be the person she wanted to be in the relationship. No drama or chaos lol but I’m working on appreciating that so I I loved her unconditionally, but avoidants will see problems in the relationship and the second they feel their own spark is dying, they will cough it up as a sign to terminate the entire relationship instead of understanding that is normal in long term relationships (5 years together) and it’s necessary to voice what you need emotionally out Hi i feel like my scenario is so similar with yours. I can no longer do that knowing what I always thought my ex was so stable and well-rounded, neither avoidant nor anxious. my ex and I dated for 5 years. And the longer you are in these type or relationships, the longer the partner is going to realize something is missing. We were close friends then became best friends and started dating. We did everything a typical relationship had, we traveled together, met each other friends, and I practically moved into his apartment. You don't have to start up a Saying “I shouldn’t need this much space this deep into a 1 year relationship” to justify his actions too. We'd like to take this time to I tried everything for quite some time to talk my dismissive avoidant ex partner into not separating. Just like your ex, he told me from the very beginning he couldn't make any promises about a relationship when I had told him very early on that I wanted a relationship (to quote you - "So they're also not one of those people dragging others into relationships and then not doing their part"), but he still stuck around long-distance for a few I was the same with my ex and she ended up breaking up with me because of it. I don't think he is capable of feeling real love because he has never allowed himself to feel big feelings. We had been together for 6months, bur the connection was so strong since the beggining. Please make sure you read our rules here. He did also go on to abuse me post relationship so that is also an enormous factor into my never wanting to hear/see him again. Perfect in every way. Like you, my trust in relationship was eroded after the Dismissive Avoidant, and I am still checking myself, lest any unfairness spill over to prospective dates now. Once you realize the problem was them and not you, then you should hope for them to heal and have a happier life. Dismissive Avoidant Question I'm Secure leaning DA, low 30s. Cut your ex off for good Apply the strictest no contact rule there is – the indefinite no contact rule Avoid making breakup mistakes Wait for the avoidant to experience difficulties with someone else Allow him or her to contact you and chase you (exes don’t want to be chased – especially avoidants) Found them from an article. How long does it take. I am genuinely at a loss, and love him so deeply. Their body language is changed My ex is (at least thats how i see it) a hardcore dismissive avoidant. My fiancé (41m) is avoidant and I am FA leaning anxious but starting to lean secure. But the BU wasn’t nice. He also had a lifetime of trauma which although doesn’t excuse his bad behaviour, it does give it context. Dismissive avoidant ex wants contact but no intimacy Me and my ex (30yo) have broken up after 3 years because of different life plans and our attachment styles causing issues (avoidant-anxious trap, push-pull dynamic). If you’re actually curious, talk to her about your possible relationship without kids involved, then see how secure she Reading what you wrote made it clear to me that I have an insecure avoidant attachment style and made me realize just how much I put my ex through throughout our relationship. I wonder if your ex is a fearful avoidant then. I met my (now) ex-fiancee who turned out to be a dismissive avoidant (DA) 2 years ago. You will have a chance to get your power back. He in turn was very open to what made him dismissive in the past. To give a little backstory, I am a DA and been fighting with the urge to breakup with my seemingly perfect partner of 6 years for the last 6 months My ex was definitely a dismissive avoidant type. he breadcrumbed during I am a dismissive-avoidant that has returned to nearly all my exes (within 3-4 months, if I initiated the breakup). I booked our hotel and he thought I was cheating on him. He said he needed space, we had come to a breaking point after fighting a lot and him pulling away and I told him that either this relationship should move forward or let me go. However he also displays sociopathic tendencies. I (anxious attached) was with a dismissive avoidant (DA) for 12 months. Welcome to r/relationship_advice. I made it clear we are ex’ not roommates and that do not engage with me been sleeping on couch and keeping my distance. Hyper independence, viewing vulnerability as a weakness, support seen as useless, extreme suppression of emotions through constant distraction, inability to resolve conflict. and had lots of red flags. By themselves. I was not “fixed” by a partner. I finally had to put an end to our relationship because mentally I was declining. " Non-avoidant participation is limited and enforced. 5 years situationship 4 months ago, I deactivated all my social media accounts. Dismissive avoidants usually are the ones to cut you off and pretend you don’t exist lol. I had been with my partner for 5 1/2 years and felt like I didn't have the feelings I should have for her at that point in our relationship. Lol they have the same script. I wonder if he would get mad at his mom and shun her for emotionally neglecting him if/ when he finds out about his avoidant attachment. We got into a really big fight 1. and I can sweet talk to him like other people would do in their normal committed relationships. he has a dismissive avoidant attachment style. he told me he had like almost 10 relationships. It was my first relationship so I have a lot to learn still. My partner (33/M) and I (32/F) have been together for 5 months and it's been going pretty well, but I'm very aware of the fact that I have a dismissive-avoidant attachment style and it negatively affects our relationship at times, especially since he has more of an anxious attachment style (although I would say that he displays minimal "protest" behavior and is a lot less anxious than As a dismissive-avoidant I cannot stand when people automatically lump D/A and narcissists together. These so called “dating coaches” encourage us to give avoidants so much grace but plain and simple, I simply don’t think they deserve a shred of grace. Get the Reddit app Scan this QR code to download the app now. At one point i feel the depth of your relationship overwhelmed her and completely shut her down and things like this do happen very randomly with people that are avoidant and haven't healed from past experience. I'm fearful avoidant but working towards secure (with therapy and books) People who have not fully recovered from trauma, let alone a relationship with a narcissist cannot nurture relationships in a healthy way. I’m a fearful-avoidant leaning dismissive and it was this weird push/pull with both of us, and this too much/not enough energy. Alone. I did become more self aware after a very volatile and miserable relationship with a fearful avoidant man that got me back in therapy, but the relationship honestly left me more scarred than anything else and I’m glad I ended it. And being in a relationship that is aware can actually help change one's attachment style. Mother was cold to her in her childhood even lived with her grandparents as a teenager because of it. Don’t know about a dismissive avoidant but this may help. dismissive avoidant ex . " I am four months post break up with my dismissive avoidant ex who initiated the break up text book blindsided. tbh i dont really want him back unless he miraculously gets therapy and heals. 8) “Is my avoidant ex going to come back?” Avoidant exes, like any other ex, could come back. Because the therapist wanted to skirt Yesterday, after 5 months of NC my dismissive-avoidant ex gf text me saying "hey, just wanting to say hi. " "the avoidant partner is unaware of his or her extreme dependence on the other. We were together for 1. His dad ran out on him and abondoned the family. At the same time, they can't meet those needs of yours because you sacrificed them in order to save your relationship. (I found out afterwards from talking to his ex girlfriend that he has always monkey branched every relationship. Search dismissive avoidant on Reddit. I’m new to the DA world, so naturally I was just searching the “dismissive avoidant” keyword on YouTube and his content started showing up. I'm currently seeing a classic 'dismissive avoidant' type Very unconsciously they can expect that the test of a true attachment figure is they should remain through all bad treatment - when, unlike the parent-child bond, love in healthy adult relationships is conditional on treating each other well. I myself am anxious attached. It is a confusing situation at best. Yes, avoidant individuals have these kinds of thought patterns which can come from the beliefs such as I will be betrayed, I will be trapped or I am unsafe. What needs might be unmet in your current relationship? Try to figure that out and that is what you can communicate to your current partner. Lots and lots of relationships, none lasting very long. I wanted a relationship and he didn't. It sounds like it’s quite difficult being avoidant. It's a really Has anyone completely healed from their dismissive avoidant ex? More specifically, does anyone have something proven or tangible, supported or provided by a doctor, a psychologist, A educated therapist (not a relationship coach!) I have spoken with a therapist who has her registered psychology degree as well as a doctorate in philosophy. Texting a dismissive avoidant ex . Told me he didn’t want a relationship when I pushed for more after 6 months. My ex (DA, 27F) dumped me (27M) back in december. I didn’t even know how to be anymore. I had a relationship for 1,5 years with an dismissive-avoidant. I dont feel rhe need to reach out anymore but I still feel jealous and i am wondering if he treats her better. I don't know if he's dismissive avoidant or fearful avoidant or just a straight up asshole but we were in a cyclical relationship for 6 years. She had been with many guys but never in a relationship, and I had a pretty long relationship before, so completely different cases. Classic avoidant all in at first then around 7 months started pulling back. There truly is no getting through if they are not self-aware/actively working through their own insecure attachment styles. Even though the first 3 months of our relationship were really nice, after that it went downhill very fast. Depending what kind of relationship you had with them, it will reflect on how you treat those close to you as an adult. TLDR - AP and DAs can mix if they figure out each other triggers and how to work together. I had the train tickets. Because they’re slow to develop feelings. Unfortunately I needed to be broken up to see that. To an avoidant personality 30 days feels like 10 days. They sabotage a healthy relationship while always keeping a door halfway open as an escape route. So it’s less about the ex herself and more about what you think is lacking right now. Most of those relationships fail as you cannot have a strong bond without true vulnerability. Thanks for replying <3 honestly The Reddit community and breakup forums have been getting me through this hell and keeping me sane. What are my chances if my dismissive avoidant ex is in a serious relationship with someone else? My ex ghosted me with a text even though we had a good connection. The whole 9 months felt like a On the most part, an ideal relationship for a dismissive avoidant can be summarized as one that: Allows for contact with their partners, but at a safe, emotionally comfortable distance and on terms dictated by a dismissive avoidant. If they’re actively avoidant you will never have a healthy relationship and Attachment Theory helps you understand how your relationship was with your parents when you were a child. I know you didn't ask, but my advice to you is talk to your guy, especially since you do want to be with him it seems. I feel tremendous guilt over my behaviour and the only course of action I Attachment Theory helps you understand how your relationship was with your parents when you were a child. Please review the subreddit rules prior to participating to ensure this subreddit remains on topic. It's been an extremely painful ride. I am finally realizing now that a blindside breakup I went through 1. You have got to understand these people are traumatised. . My ex broke up with me approximately 1 month ago. He didnt know he was avoidant at the time i knew him. even in our closure conversation, he asked me if i truly thought he didnt love me when i Not sure how to add flair, but I am mostly secure and lean slightly anxious in friendships and slightly avoidant in relationships. Both willing to work together on fixing ourselves. my dismissive avoidant side comes out a lot quicker because of how “boring” the relationship is. Maybe the writing’s on the wall because of the way they are behaving. Or check it out in the app stores Home; Popular; TOPICS support, and work towards having healthier relationships with others. I am a dismissive avoidant, struggling between feeling trapped in the relationship and the fear of abandonment outside of it (feeling that my partner gets me and loves me, and no one else why is my dismissive avoidant ex like this? My boyfriend (21 M) and I (20 F) broke up for the second time last week. His next relationship will end the same way, my avoidant ex told me his last relationship ended the same way ours did he got triggered by stuff going on in his life and couldn’t talk to her, started resenting her, checked out, they starting fighting and she left. he never gave any effort in anything. But I was blindsided, she deactivated, and in the end, she sabotaged our relationship because she couldn’t handle Her feelings. And I don't enter relationships very often I had one relationship that lasted 5 years (with another avoidant) and I broke it off for a number of reasons. The only avoidant who is a viable candidate for a relationship is a healed one (so, no longer avoidant). During the situationship (I wanted commitment, but he was always saying he wasn’t ready / scared), I was ghosted multiple times, belittled, kept Need help with your relationship? Whether it's romance, friendship, family, co-workers, or basic human interaction: we're here to help! : we're here to help! Members Online • brokeflyguy. I had an avoidant ex that realized that she really did want the relationship, but that was only after she had pushed me away. Dismissive avoidants may engineer romantic pseudo-relationships in their lives that enable them go a long time without having to deal with the realities of real daily intimacy, conflict resolution Hi, I’m 25M dealing with my second break up of the same relationship with my dismissive avoidant girlfriend (24). Have you been blindsided with a breakup? It’s difficult enough when you sense or know that the end is nigh for your relationship. My ex(21 F)a Dismissive avoidant broke up with me (26M) anxious preoccupied months ago. Please make sure you read our rules here. Do a Google search. I’m avoidant and I was in another relationship about 2-3 months after I ended the relationship with my previous girlfriend of two years. The relationship was perfect for the first 6 months. For anyone wondering about dismissive attachment style, I find the secure relationship account on IG to be very helpful in breaking down attachment styles and behaviors. I think these might be the only indicators. She was dealing with her own trauma she got from her parents abusing her mentally. It's a dark and hard path, just like learning how to be secure and heal our own wounds. hope you're happy and healthy. I have Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment due to childhood trauma. A DA attachment is characterized by an intense fear of engulfment (and an unconscious fear of abandonment) which manifests in us fiercely defending Phantom ex is about current unmet needs that maybe you had met with the ex. Every time I felt like breaking no contact with DA, I would go to Reddit to read all the heartache, confusion and immense disappointment from Dismissive Avoidant - and kick myself back to keep and stay NC. Advice Dismissive Avoidant Ex + Birthday Coming Up Me (M22) and my ex (F20) broke up a month ago today. As an avoidant, what do you consider the line between being “chased” versus someone being “consistent”. I found that dynamic really pleasant, to be honest, though I was very puzzled at his "odd" reactions to anything that upset the status quo (say, a short trip together where we shared a room). Does anyone have experience ignoring a dismissive avoidant and specifically how do they react? Of course, everyone is different regardless of their attachment style. But he talked A LOT and told me all about an ex that cheated on him 6 years ago, and he mentioned he hasn’t been in a relationship in 6 years and only has situations that last about 1-2 months at most. Dismissive avoidants are a nightmare in this aspect and I would bet on winning the lottery over my ex ever changing. I am leaning slightly more to the anxious side, but maybe she is also more strongly bringing out the anxious within me. " **This is a support sub for those who have a dismissive avoidant (DA) attachment style. When we first started talking: she was funny, flirty and excited to meet up. Has anyone been blocked and unblocked from your ex. In sum, a total of 9 months, but 5 with the bf/gf title. To give a little context, I am a Dismissive Avoidant. At first I was confused and lost as to why she would end it but then as I reflected I learned that I’m avoidant. We have the classic definition of the above attachments, me (22M) being the anxious and him(20M) being the avoidant. But I’m curious does it caused them to become angry? Get the Reddit app Scan this QR code to download the app now. he said he feels like he can’t give me what i deserve, that he’s failing and that cutting off our relationship is the only way for him to focus on work and on bettering himself Ex girlfriend question ( dismissive avoidant ) A bit ago, I wrote something about my ex girlfriend who broke up recently with me, around one month ago. Thats how i know he is avoidant to all aspects in his life — just wasnt aware that i would be the “victim” too lol Also on that note, they freely told me their deep dark secrets (about childhood abuse, mental illness, and the root of their avoidant problems) pretty early on in the relationship, and yet it was the day-to-day secrecy that ended up eroding our relationship. I wanted the relationship so bad that I would do everything to self abandon my needs just to please him. The longest it took for my ex-DA to reach out after taking off was a year and a half. For background and not to get to specific but she has been through major emotional traumas in life. 5 years. I don't agree with an ex is an ex for a reason, there are a lot of couples right now that shouldn't even be together and most of the time people get losing feelings mixed up with attraction but not exactly physical attraction, love is always there if it's real and that's why space and time work because reality hits you like damn I do love this person because love kicks in once you feel like My ex is an avoidant (hard to tell if his's dismissive or fearful), and he literally cannot find it in himself to commit, even though he and I match in a ridiculous amount of ways. I tried to call him over Thanksgiving break and no response. At the time of breakup, my ex’s last few messages included “i was not ready for a relationship”, “it’s not you,it’s me” and “you are right” etc. I found some of what he was talking about informative and useful, but Discovered today "dismissive avoidant attachment" she matches this point by point to a tee. Dismissive Avoidant ex . For those who do not have an avoidant attachment style looking for answers, there is a wealth of information for you available by keyword searching "FAQ. his reasoning was that he feels too stressed and burnt out to keep going with our connection and having to juggle college on top of that. Everything at the start was perfect, then once he had me, it all changed. for 4 months travelling and in a way it gives me a little more hope as it gives her more time and space to get over the avoidant feeling of being overwhelmed by the relationship and she won’t get into a relationship or see anyone as she’s travelling the other side of the world. Or check it out in the app stores My ex is a dismissive avoidant too, reading this is like a mirror image of my relationship except I'm the girl and my ex is the guy I'm avoidant and all I want in a relationship is someone who comes at me as whole person with their own things Avoidants are incapable of relationships but that won’t stop them from trying at your expense. " Less than one minute after texting me, she sent me an email saying "i'm pretty sure you blocked me on everything but i just wanted to say hi and hope that you are happy and healthy !!!!!! :)" i had no clue she even had my email. Since he is a dismissive avoidant, he probably feels so much relief and independence and freedom and he is out there right now focusing on his While me To keep this a safe space for avoidant attachers, this subreddit is strictly moderated. So you can see that made for one hell of a ride. A DA attachment is characterized by an intense fear of engulfment (and an unconscious fear of abandonment) which manifests in us fiercely defending/asserting our Attachment Theory helps you understand how your relationship was with your parents when you were a child. Sometimes you need to see that the relationship was actually not good for them. I hope this post validates some of you. the guy I ended up in a relationship with was I believe an avoidant and I didn’t really know attachment styles like that at the time. I started our relationship being very very very open with what he needed to do to "not lose me". My ex, however, once I deactivated, it was for good. I decided to reach out to my ex. So, understanding your attachment style will help you understand how and why we select our future partners. TLDR; sociopathic things about my ex. She works in the USA and I work in the UK (same company, but offices around the world). Good communication is key in healthy relationships. I always had the impression he ran and thought that in the end he would regret and we would make amends. I finally had to block to stop the cycle. I was his most successful relationship, and the only partner he’s said I love you to (I made him say it first, due to his avoidant tendencies). Really did blindsided me, we were great together, always laughing, we barely even argued, besides once a couple of months ago due some misunderstandings. He's textbook dismissive avoidant, we've talked about it, we've read about it together, he admits it, the only thing he won't do is therapy. So my ex and I had dated for about 5 months. Because they will see how much efforts you put in, and they will know that you have resentments. This avoidant ex is a “well respected” meditation leader and pushed the past leader out because “he wasn’t as well versed in meditation”, then doing a hostile takeover of the My avoidant ex seems to have a great relationship with his mother. I had dismissive avoidant attachment style (mostly with my parents, some romantic relationships). Or check it out in the app stores My dismissive avoidant ex dumped me, one of her friends who I’ve always had a crush on has expressed interest in me. He treated me horribly but I stayed because I was/am super trauma bonded with him. Dismissive Attachment and Anxious Attachment make really poor matches. "Does my avoidant ex miss me?" (Do you know if a complete stranger's ex, who is also a complete stranger to you, misses their ex?) Unlikely, if they broke up with you. To keep this a safe space for avoidant attachers, this subreddit is strictly moderated. I haven’t ever been able to understand. Just trying to come out of a 2 year relationship. We met in work. . So when she gets back I’ll try In my relationship now, I am now secure, and in my relationships with others outside the relationship, I've gone from FA to AP leaning secure. ) Is your ex maybe fearful avoidant? I've been dumped by FAs and then they always want to get back together, but to me it seems APs like my relationship now never want to end the relationship under any circumstances, always want to work through things and keep trying. My past relationship 5 years ago got emotionally and physically abusive at the end (he hit me and I got PTSD). Said wants to take things slow. I’m a fearful avoidant and I have reached out to apologize to people 1-3 years later. Realizing that there were two people in the relationship and that I wasn't a saint (even though he keeps reassuring me that I'm perfect). But anxious and avoidant don't mix. Anything that someone with my bf's attachment style (dismissive avoidant) wish their partner could understand? Thanks. Or check it out in the app stores support, and work towards having healthier relationships with others. That was the problem with my ex, she wasn’t ready to face those challenges even though she was well aware of being a dismissive avoidant. After my breakup understanding how my ex was avoidant, why they did what they 7) “Does my avoidant ex think about me?” (Do you know if a complete stranger is thinking about another complete stranger?” Yes, only if the avoidant ex has said they do. There were no major arguments/fights/issues in the relationship. He blocked me everywhere and I was so anxious. 5 months ago was actually an avoidant discard. He was My ex and I dated from April to December of last year (2022), but were only *official* from August forward. I say this as people with avoidant tendencies in relationships have their 'red flags' also, which might be nigh impossible for their partner to This is the correct answer. I met this person 3 years ago, but we were only close friends for the He was convinced my ex and were doing something. My ex (f38) broke up with me (m39) 3 months ago out of the blue and it’s shook me to my core. He chased me for 10 years, sent me a message from fake accounts every 2 or 3 years. Those are his own demons. He acts although we’re in a relationship when we’re together but he is dismissive avoidant and communication via text is strictly on a needs must basis never just for a chit chat. I dealt with an avoidant ex boyfriend off and on (long distance now) for 23 years. My ex flipped really quickly a few times, the first time he did I had no idea what was going on as it was like trying to talk to a totally different For example, I was willing to work with my ex on his anxiety, but I was not willing to continue working on the relationship when he sought attention from other people and had inappropriate conversations with his ex husband (this happened early on in our relationship and we did work through it until I found out he was continuing it behind my back and lying to me). We work at the same place and see each other most days when we are at work. Some lasted less than 6 months. We were both aged 32. The other was a couple of months - a bit harder as I live with the person and sometimes when they say certain things I need space but never more than a few hours. Explains why my avoidant ex was super avoidant with me and anxiously attached to his baby mama and his family. I have no words, just virtual hugs of comfort. Had a deeply dismissive avoidant ex, and it took me years of healing to get past his bullshit. My ex dismissive avoidant blindsided me and monkey branched into another relationship. I discovered attachment theory probably a week after my first relationship ended and started doing a lot of research into it. So I live abroad but have been gone for summer. I do feel that Dismissive-Avoidant people get vilified a lot though and while some are jerks a lot of us can be a good partner as long as we have the space and ability to feel independent within the relationship. But again everyone is different My ex (very fresh breakup) is most definitely a dismissive avoidant. DA’s don’t really reach out as much. In my observation it’s pretty core to an avoidant’s experience—it’s a way of getting restless due to unaired tensions, often internal or picked up from work and family but sometimes due to the relationship itself. Recognizing the signs of an avoidant attachment style is important to greater relationship satisfaction. Also, look up the sunk cost fallacy. I definitely was mad when my ex was in a happy relationship while I was stuck by myself feeling lonely—but A that relationship eventually failed, and B if you actually love someone you want good things for them. They usually come back but it takes them a very long time. I have been through a lot of difficult things in my life but the relationship and break up with a dismissive avoidant is the most painful thing ever. if they feel that the relationship is going too fast, or getting too intimate, that might trigger what's called an avoidant attachment response – in other words, they cheat as a form of escape. i told him if he didnt want to be in a relationship then to just end things. So I’ve been on both ends of the attachment styles (woohoo) and can firmly say that when I was with my avoidant ex, my anxious side was full throttle and I was determined to find my worth in cracking open his heart and would desperately try to win his love and approval subconsciously confirming that I was the problem for a broken relationship and I had to do everything in my I’ve had amazing experiences with my avoidant ex and I wouldn’t take a thing back. I don't know if having him unable to contact you would make a difference really if they're an actual phantom ex, meaning idealising him and your relationship as a subconsious distancing strategy. Though it didn’t start like this. This is NOT an excuse for his abusive behavior. Also, with dismissive avoidant individuals, there can be the tendency to fault find as a subconscious strategy to maintain safety in autonomy and avoid having to be vulnerable with someone. How would a secure act on recieving breadcrumbs from a Dismissive Avoidant ex? AP seeking advice My DA ex was sending me loads of different breadcrumbs after slow fading on me and forcing me to breakup because of not putting any effort, expressing doubts about our relationship, checking out emotionally, no physical intimacy and the list continues. I used to be pretty avoidant myself. I can't even tell you the amount of conversations we've had. We do not allow users to privately message other I dated someone when I was 20 who might have been dismissive avoidant. Avoidantly attached partners appear aloof, indecisive, or not fully invested in a Im beginning to think a lot of people on here think their ex partner is avoidant/dismissive attachment because from our perspective it looks a lot like that. I became anxiously attached while with him and I never want to go back to that headspace. they will never be able to be themselves and I have always made them be on egg shells whenever I have questioned the relationship. I had never been treated that coldly in my life. My ex (30m) and I (30f) broke up 2 months ago and I am not doing great. Thus I am able to control my anxious style and am currently feeling more secured as I have done some work and got more "numbed" by the avoidant actions, inactions and way of thinking. We seek posts from users who have specific and personal relationship quandaries that other redditors can help them try to solve. While he has his faults as a dismissive avoidant I too have faults as a an anxious lover. Perhaps it’s because you’ve both tried to work through issues unsuccessfully. I only watched a couple of his videos. I don’t know how to tell him that he is dismissive avoidant without making him defensiveand I don’t know if Mine came back after 2 weeks, a month, 8 months and 2 years lol. When relationships fall apart, it happens for a reason (and attraction has never been the reason in any of my cases). Tell him you're working on yourself. I want to hash things out. I will not enumerate everything that happened in the relationship, but the following should be enough to summarize our dynamic: First try: In hindsight, we had some codependent tendencies. It’s been very difficult. I don't want to control you I want my autonomy. I say partner, but I’m not sure where we stand. 5 months or so ago about the topic. **This community isspecifically for those with a DA attachment style** This is to vent, support, and work towards having healthier relationships with others. Throughout the time we were dating I could see her withdrawing from the slightest sense of conflict and she would abruptly need large amounts of space whenever we started to connect intimately. In the past I also dated people who are unavailable for long-term committed relationships(eg Attachment Theory helps you understand how your relationship was with your parents when you were a child. She is a dismissive avoidant and she had started to distance herself by text and seemed less enthused than her usual self when Facetiming with me (we were in semi LDR - she comes back to town every 2 weekends). You can't walk that path with them. I have been in therapy 6 years and it has taken alot for feel things and not just push them under the rug (quickly moving from partner to partnerI/ drugs/ alcohol) know it’s easy to blame avoidants ( my ex is dismissive avoidant and I am completely heartbroken) but we are this way as a result of neglect/trauma/in difference in childhood. I hadn’t done anything wrong, treated him well, started to fall in love and really cared. I wasn't really aware of attachment theory before this year, but in learning more about myself, I've come to realize that many of my relationships have fizzled out or ended due to shying away from deeper, sustained intimacy and vulnerability because it feels safer. I realized I contributed to my partner's anxiety by being dismissive in the beginning of the relationship. I had no idea about attachment styles until the past two days, but in hindsight remember she View community ranking In the Top 1% of largest communities on Reddit Dismissive avoidant ex My dismissive avoidant ex of almost 3 years, (22 F) broke up with me (21 M) roughly three weeks ago. Seeing her mother in the act of cheating on her dad in middle school, toxic exes, violent relationships. He can't go through hard time in relationship though I really wanted to grow with him. i also gave him the opportunity to end the relationship a couple of times - he always would get upset and blame me for even thinking about it. I think a little bit of deactivation is inevitable, even transiently for secure people. I was so excited to meet in person. He cheated, lied, withheld love, emotion, etc. one that you won’t understand until untold amounts of research after the fact. He has also at the beginning of meeting Definitely like this,My dismissive avoidant and I were together for over a year. You seem to be very aware of why a relationship is not viable between you, even if it is a possibility should you wish to pursue reconciliation. Hoping he finds healing - at least in part so he never does that to anyone else again! Secure introvert - that's what I assumed my DA ex was during our relationship (bear in mind I had no idea what avoidant attatchment was!). he began to It’s easier for me to do that because I’m a fearful avoidant and not a dismissive avoidant. I gave him the space he needed. Sometimes they aren't though. I haven't had a proper relationship since then so I haven't gotten to the 'feeling obligated to spend time with them' stage very often since. I don’t blame her at all. He screwed up and lost that dream and it changed him forever. The person I dated was more avoidant, and in fact, behaved like a textbook fearful avoidant at the end. When an AP dates another AP, one is usually more avoidant than the other. Remember in the beginning of a DA relationship it feels like you met the woman/man of your dreams. I don’t plan on texting her now but I’m trying to get a general idea on how I reach back out to her without crossing any boundaries. ** Redditors who are not DA can post in the All AT Styles thread. In my experience, whenever an avoidant has reached back out to me, it's usually 4 months+ no contact and I'm already in a better relationship. The anxious partner continues to stay and tolerate being treated with either indifference or kept in a grey area where the relationship is undefined. Our members listen, support, and encourage each other on their path to independence. the reality was I was working and planning on meeting him (the LD boyfriend). <3 My ex of course jumped to a relationship after two weeks post break up and now he gets to be long /r/Relationships is a community built around helping people and the goal of providing a platform for interpersonal relationship advice between redditors. It was truly dismissive “ not want to be in a relationship, and want to heal type scenario” but also bailed on me for a reference letter I was requesting for a visa application a week before the deadline. My(28) long-distance partner(23) is DA, on top of going through some stress due to immediate circumstances. Except my (now) ex’s biggest problem was managing his temper and anger but he wasn’t above being dismissive or stonewalling. They are dead set on their insecurities and view them as a strength. Now realizing she was most likely dismissive (maybe even fearful) avoidant, but what was weird in that the first few months we were dating, it seemed like she was mostly secure with some minor . Edit : will reply once I can in 11 days, thanks all for commenting. Things were going really well. In the whole relationship, We only argued or had a dispute once because I asked her to spend more time, which resulted in her being SUPER DEFENSIVE and even saying that I cannot fulfil your expectations and i need space. If in time they understand what they do the only way that it could be fixed is therapy for themselves and unpacking why they are dismissive and avoidant. Please respect our space Hi Reddit, So me and my now-ex boyfriend (had a 1 year relationship) are thinking of giving it another go. I expected to feel infatuated, or simply more "in love" with her than I did and that was simply never a feeling I ever had in our relationship, although I have had that feeling in the past with exes. We'd like to take this time to remind users that: We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors. Here's the thing I didn't know. After I ended a whirlwind 1. At the present time she is quite frustrated and has stated she does not want to be friends. I broke up with her because I was tired of this exhausting push-pull-dynamic and being the only one speaking openly about issues and problems in our relationship. Our first relationship was 9 months, then we broke up, got back together after a month, and this lasted for 9 months as well until last week’s break. thus leading me to have an anxious attachment style; wondering if he would be happy with me today or not. I (m, 33) am in a relationship with a dismissive-avoidant wife (w, 33). Ex No Contact is a breakup support group focused on self-reliance and general healing. I couldn't understand how we were basically in a relationship so why couldn't he just make me his gf. The biggest lesson my relationship with my Avoidant Ex taught me is to have a zero tolerance and zero accommodation for bad and inconsiderate behavior. My ex who broke up with me a week ago (after 2 years together, and half a year of him claiming he was fighting himself), for the reasons of I lost feelings, I can get what I'm getting in this relationship in any other relationship, I wanna work on us but I feel drained and I don't want to hurt u if I give it another chance and feel this way again, has actually contacted me almost so my ex broke up with me couple days ago. I spent a lot of time despising the concept of avoidant, especially dismissive avoidant. My (27F) dismissive avoidant ex (39M) broke up with me in beginning of aug after 2. Been dating for 4 months also. I was very clear with my triggers that make me avoidant. ADMIN MOD What is your experience with a dismissive avoidant ex girlfriend? Did they come back or initiate contact after? My DA ex dumped me about two My ex told me he had only 3 relationships but none lasted 1 year. I have not asked her to be friends ever, she indicated several times “she hoped we could be friends” - made zero effort to show that or facilitate a friendship. We had a pretty much perfect and lovely a year of relationship — we knew each other for 5 years already before having romantic relationship. If you try to fix your relationship with an avoidant by sacrificing your own needs, it's not worth it. It absolutely depends on where they are on the spectrum and if they want to make changes to have a successful relationship. Just because someone is dismissive avoidant doesn’t mean their behavior isn’t emotionally abusive. Or check it out in the app stores Did the rebound relationship of your ex work out? I ve been nc for 3 months with my dismissive avoidant ex. 5 years and it was fantastic, she had come out of a 6 year relationship with a narcissist a year before we met who I know treated her badly and still tried to manipulate her, I was aware of this and tried to show her how she could be loved without manipulation and Attachment Theory helps you understand how your relationship was with your parents when you were a child. Her way to deal with these situations was to shut down completely, to play it all down or - in the worst case - to insult me. A DA attachment is characterized by an intense fear of engulfment (and an And now that we are broken up, I hate the idea that he is already “moving on” and he is probably doing well.
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